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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158339">Drowning In Sorrows</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyoustand/pseuds/whereyoustand'>whereyoustand</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bondi Rescue (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood and Violence, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Male-Female Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:54:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158339</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyoustand/pseuds/whereyoustand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Jesse looked at the water and wondered what it would be like if he allowed the deep waves to drag him away.</p><p>---</p><p>5 times the lifeguards knew something was wrong with Jesse.</p><p>+1 Jesse let them know that something was wrong</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Drowning In Sorrows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes, Jesse looked at the water and wondered what it would be like if he allowed the deep waves to drag him away. Sometimes, Jesse would lay in the bath and see how long he could stay underwater for. Most times, Jesse looked at any sharp object and played with the idea of ending it all.</p><p>It had been a slow build-up. He'd think about it a couple of times throughout his teenage years. Once it became common, Jesse allowed the thoughts to run freely through his head. Recently, however, Jesse had been hit with bad mental health. He would lay in bed at night and think about every bad thing he's done. He would go to work and get his job done but everyone knew something was off. They didn't know why but they knew that Jesse wasn't his normal self. Every time someone asked Jesse was quick to brush it off and explain that he wasn't feeling well or didn't get enough sleep, or whatever bullshit excuse he could come up within the minute.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>1 - August 10th</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>One morning, Jesse was sat at the edge of the cliffs at Bondi and he stared at the sunrise. He watched as the waves rolled in on the empty beach. He stared down at the rocks below him. He had been there many times when a body had been discovered there. He debated it for a while, debating whether any of this was worth it.</p><p>He heard footsteps come up behind him but he didn't turn to look. The thought in the back of his mind that maybe someone was helping his wish and pushing him off the cliff.</p><p>"It's dangerous up here." He heard his boss' voice.</p><p>Jesse turned to face him.</p><p>"Oh, Jesse. Why are you here so early?" Hoppo asked, voice quiet as he sat down beside the younger man.</p><p>"Just admiring the view." Jesse smiled. Hoppo knew something was wrong immediately. Jesse's voice was disassociated, almost like he away somewhere.</p><p>"You okay, Jess?" Hoppo asked softly.</p><p>Jesse was shaking but he didn't acknowledge it, his eyes were clouded over as he stared the rocks. Hoppo knew Jesse wasn't okay but with the lack of knowledge of what was happening, he couldn't make a judgement.</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?" Hoppo asked.</p><p>"Do you ever think that I should've been able to save them?"</p><p>Hoppo sighed. "You tried and that's all we can ask. You saw things that no person ever deserves to see. You did enough, Jesse. It was all of us, not just you. If you ever feel like this again, just know that everyone on this team will listen and give you all the support you need. You are like a son to me, I don't want anything bad to happen to you."</p><p>Jesse nodded as a few tears raced down his cheeks. Hoppo pulled the younger man under his arm and stroked his arm, comforting the man as much as he could.</p><p>"I know this isn't everything on your mind. You don't have to tell me but I think you need to talk to someone," Hoppo said honestly.</p><p>Jesse didn't say anything but instead stood up and walked towards the tower. Hoppo watched as the man walked away, a frown on the face.<br/><br/>---</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>2 - August 16th</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Nights out with the other lifeguards weren't unusual for Jesse. At least once a month, the lifeguards all came together and went out for drinks and a meal after the shift.</p><p>Jesse had gone out to make sure no one would suspect of his deteriorating health. He had ordered himself a drink and a small meal but didn't listen to the conversation, only nodding every so often or humming to pretend he was paying attention.</p><p>For the most part, they bought it. It wasn't until the meal was finished and Kerrbox pointed out that Jesse barely touched his food. Jesse laughed it off, giving a bullshit excuse that he wasn't that hungry and he had eaten before coming out</p><p>Soon enough, Harries and Maxi had taken over the karaoke machine and Jesse just stared at his drink, playing with the rim off the glass, running his finger along with it. Jesse was getting anxious. Voices were entering his ears from every angle and the bright lights were giving him a headache.</p><p>Jesse rubbed his forehead and stared at his friends doing karaoke. He let out a few laughs as he covered his anxiety.</p><p>"This is fucking brilliant." Kerrbox came and sat next to Jesse who laughed thinly. "This is gonna get talked about for years!"</p><p>"One hundred per cent!" Jesse exclaimed.</p><p>Kerrbox looked down at what was in Jesse's glass.</p><p>"Since when do you drink whisky?" Kerrbox asked. For the few years Kerrbox had known Jesse, he knew the man hated whiskey and preferred beer or a gin.</p><p>"Oh, you know." Jesse smiled and lifted that glass to his mouth. "Tried it again after a while and realised that it wasn't that bad as I thought."</p><p>Kerrbox squinted but nodded and turned his attention back to the drunk men singing along to 'My Heart Will Go On'. He cheered and whooped but didn't fail to notice Jesse flinch next to him.</p><p>Jesse took a sip of his drink and almost gagged at the vile taste.</p><p>"Hey, why don't I get you a drink?" Kerrbox smiled.</p><p>"I uh haven't finished this yet." Jesse held up his half-full glass.</p><p>Kerrbox shrugged. "There's a two for one discount on gins. I wanna get one."</p><p>Jesse looked guiltily at his whisky before nodding.</p><p>"So, pink gin with tonic?" Kerrbox asked and Jesse nodded, a small smile of his face.</p><p>When Kerrbox returned with drinks, he saw Jesse trying to block out sound as subtly as he could.</p><p>"Here you are, do you want to go outside? It's quite loud in here?" Kerrbox asked and Jesse nodded and quickly got out his seat. Once outside, Jesse took a deep breath and sat down one the dirty sidewalk.</p><p>"You okay, mate?" Kerrbox asked and Jesse nodded taking some deep breaths. "Glad, you got out of there. You were close to a panic attack."</p><p>Jesse let out an airy chuckle and rubbed his face. "I'm fine. Think I'm getting a bit sick."</p><p>Kerrbox squinted but nodded. Jesse was slowly deteriorating and Kerrbox had noticed but didn't know how to tackle the issue. He had bought up the issue with Hoppo who had also noticed the problem.<br/><br/>---</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>3 - August 23rd</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Jesse felt tears run down his face as he sobbed. He rolled over and grabbed his phone, scrolling to Hoppo's work phone before clicking call.</p><p>Jesse wiped away the tears as he waited for Hoppo to answer.</p><p>"Bondi lifeguard office, this is Hoppo, how may I help?" Hoppo's voice rang in Jesse's ear.</p><p>"Hey, mate. It's Jesse, just wanted to let you know that I can't come in today, I've woken up and thrown up." Jesse lied easily.</p><p>"Ah okay. You don't sound too good mate, have you got checked out?" Hoppo asked.</p><p>"No, no." Jesse tried to stop the tears from flowing.</p><p>"Okay, well let me know results and I'll see you in a few days hopefully." Jesse could hear Hoppo's smile.</p><p>"Yeah, will do." Jesse's chuckle was forced.</p><p>The man said goodbye to his boss and looked down at the overflow of messages from his family. Jesse looked down at the message from his brother.</p><p>'Call me when you can so I can give you the funeral information'</p><p>Jesse sobbed and grabbed a picture of him and his sister on the desk across the room. His vision became blurry as he smashed the picture on the floor, glass shattering from the picture frame.</p><p>He collapsed to his knees as scooped some glass into his hands and slowly closed his fists, eager to relieve the pain he was feeling. His family wasn't a talked about the subject with even his closest friends. A lot of the stuff that happened to his family, the situation they had been in, was something Jesse was embarrassed to talk about or too insecure to talk about.</p><p>Jesse's parents died in a car crash a few miles away from Bondi beach which meant Jesse was left to look after his brother and sister, Kai and Layla, at the age of sixteen. Jesse had to take a new route to make sure they had food on their plates and warm water, that's what lead him to the Bra Boys. They gave him money for doing things he would get into massive amounts of trouble for, but he didn't regret it. He kept his little siblings safe and that's what mattered to him.</p><p>Jesse fell asleep after getting all the glass from his hands, ignoring the steady bleeding from his hands as he fell asleep.</p><p>"Oh my God, Jesse!" Deano yelled when he got to Jesse's side. Jesse woke with a grumble.</p><p>"What? How did you get in?" Jesse asked, reaching a fist to rub his eye.</p><p>"Don't do that," Deano ordered, grabbing Jesse's hand before saying. "You told us where to find your key remember?"</p><p>Jesse looked down at his hands and groaned when he saw the blood. He threw the covers off him and walked to the bathroom to clean himself up.</p><p>"Not that I love your presence, Dean. But what are you doing here?" Jesse called.</p><p>"Hoppo said you didn't sound too good and asked me to check on you," Deano explained. "He was right."</p><p>Jesse rolled his eyes as he saw Deano bring in a dustpan and brush to collect the glass. "I'm fine. Just got caught up."</p><p>Deano nodded sarcastically as started sweeping.</p><p>"I can do this." Jesse's eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>"I know you can but you hurt yourself. What even happened?" Deano asked.</p><p>"Dropped the picture and tried cleaning it up. Threw up and completely forgot about it and went to bed." Jesse quickly lied.</p><p>"Oh right." Deano glared slightly but decided not to push. "Who is this anyway?" Deano looked at the picture of Jesse and his sister on his shoulders.</p><p>Jesse quickly got protective, snatching the picture frame from Deano. "No one!" He exclaimed and put it in one of his draws.</p><p>"Doesn't seem like no one." Deano stood up and looked at Jesse, making eye contact.</p><p>Jesse looked away. "Don't worry about it."</p><p>Deano nodded and took the pan to throw the glass in the bin. "See you later, Jesse. Let me know if you need something, yeah?"</p><p>Jesse just nodded and Deano took that as his cue to leave.</p><p>When Deano got to Hoppo's office, he immediately recalled the event to the boss</p><p>"It's weird, he's acting so off at the moment." Deano frowned. "He's always been a mysterious guy but now it's affecting his work and the way he acts. I think he needs professional help."</p><p>"I know." Hoppo mirrored Deano's frown. "Does he seem detached to you?"</p><p>"Yeah. He had this far away look going about him." Deano nodded before sighing. "I don't know Hop. It doesn't look good."</p><p>"I know," Hoppo whispered. "I know."<br/><br/>---</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>4 - September 2nd</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>When Jesse and Harrison were called to attack that happened on the sidewalk, Jesse didn't know what to expect. The man had been beaten half to death with a bat. The attackers were still there.</p><p>Jesse and Harrison went up to defuse the situation. Jesse quickly ran up and made eye contact with the two attackers.</p><p>"Jesse mate, move!" Edger yelled at Jesse</p><p>"You know what they did," Louie exclaimed.</p><p>"I know!" Jesse yelled back at the fellow bra boys. "But you are now just as bad as he is and you're gonna get arrested."</p><p>Harrison tended to the man's injuries whilst Jesse attempted to reduce the threat.</p><p>"Look, I know he's not innocent but if you're already getting charged for GBH. Don't make it worse."</p><p>"So what?" Edger exclaimed, thrusting the knife in Jesse's direction who just stood his ground. "He got her pregnant!"</p><p>"I know but if you keep this going then that kid is going to grow up without a parent. Louie, you know what that's like." Jesse knew he was treading on dangerous ground but he didn't care. He had a duty to protect and that's what he intended to do, whether or not he got harmed in the process. "Don't punish the kid for its dad's actions."</p><p>"I beat you up once, I can do it again!" Louie growled.</p><p>Jesse chuckled, "I don't doubt you can." He raised his hands slowly. "I'm not gonna hurt you, lads. But, you have to realise that this wrong. This kid deserves a dad."</p><p>"The kid does deserve a dad but not a shit one who knocks up women left, right, and centre!" Edger exclaimed, shaking the knife and the man's direction.</p><p>"He's going to be there for that kid. You need to calm down, okay?" Jesse lowered his hands.</p><p>"Jesse, you don't know what you're doing!" Louie yelled.</p><p>"I'm doing my job, okay?" Jesse said softly.</p><p>"Brothers come before everything else, remember?" Louie asked.</p><p>"I left that behind. My job is to protect people." Jesse explained as he saw the police car and ambulance coming up behind Louie and Edger. "Just stay here until the police come," Jesse said. "If you leave, your sentence will be so much longer then it needs to be. Drop the weapons and sit down on the bench."</p><p>Edger dropped his knife but Louie's lip curled as he made eye contact with Jesse.</p><p>"I'm not afraid of you, Louie," Jesse said, voice stern. Louie threw the knife on the floor and stomped over to the bench and took a seat as the police officers walked over.</p><p>Jesse turned around and saw the medics working with the man. Harrison had stood up after helping put the man into the ambulance. Jesse explained what happened before making his way back to the tower with Harrison.</p><p>"Who were they?" Harrison asked as they drove in the rhino.</p><p>"Bra Boys." Jesse let out bitterly. "Fucking awful ones at that."</p><p>"You knew them quite well." Harrison pointed out.</p><p>"Yeah, well, that's what happens when they're the people that got you in the group in the first place," Jesse said.</p><p>"Seriously?" Harrison's eyes widened. When he looked over at Jesse, he noticed that his eyes had glossed over and he was deep in thought, staring into space.</p><p>"I'm gonna be in so much shit for this," Jesse whispered.</p><p>"Nah, mate. Hoppo's gonna be proud that you got through the situation and stayed calm."</p><p>"Not Hoppo." Jesse sighed. "The other bra boys."</p><p>Harrison didn't know how to respond and saw Jesse start clenching his fists, nails digging into his palms. Harrison knew those signs. That was self-harm. Harrison didn't know what to do, he didn't know who knew or enough about Jesse to know how he would react if Harrison confronted him.</p><p>"Are you alright?" Harrison asked as Jesse stared off at the ocean.</p><p>"Yeah, sorry. Let's get cleaned up." Jesse unclenched his fists and got out of the rhino walking up to the tower to clean up and put the defibrillator back. Harrison cleaned up the blood that had ended up on his wrists and whatnot as he saw Jesse take a shaky sip from his bottle of water.<br/><br/>---</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">5 - September 7th</span>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Maxi had shown up to Jesse's flat to drive him for a night out. When he was met with an unlocked door but no Jesse, Maxi immediately knew it wasn't good.</p><p>Maxi walked around the flat, yelling out for Jesse when he saw a note on the fridge. Maxi pulled it off and read it briefly.</p><p>'<em>I wish I had a chance to say goodbye to mum and dad. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to Layla. I wish I had swapped places with them. I couldn't live with the idea of knowing there are people out there who died whilst I was thriving. I can't live with the idea that I'm worthless. Bondi is important to me and I'm sorry to leave my brothers but I know they would be better off without me. Bondi is the most peaceful place for me, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather finish anything. I won't be missed. Surfs up, forever and always. Jesse.</em>'</p><p>Maxi ran down the stairs of the flat and into his car, holding the letter tightly in his fist.</p><p>Maxi called Hoppo as he drove to Bondi, anxiety filling his chest.</p><p>
  <em>"Maxi, you with Jesse?"</em>
</p><p>"Get to Bondi!" Maxi exclaimed.</p><p>
  <em>"I've got Deano and Kerrbox with me what's going on?"</em>
</p><p>"I think Jesse's gonna do something!" Maxi rushed out. "I found a note. I think he's gonna kill himself, Hop."</p><p>
  <em>"Shit, shit, shit! Okay, we're on our way." </em>
</p><p>"What if we're too late?" Maxi was panicking.</p><p>
  <em>"We won't! Harrison is round the corner from Bondi, he's gonna meet us."</em>
</p><p>"Fuck, I should've known."</p><p>
  <em>"It's okay, we're pulling up, I can see him in backpackers."</em>
</p><p>"Shit, okay. I'll be a few!"</p><p>
  <em>"See ya, Maxi."</em>
</p><p>Maxi wanted to scream as he hung up. Jesse was his best friend and he hadn't even noticed the pain his friend was in until it was too late.</p><p>---</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">+1 - September 7th</span>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jesse sat on his first-ever surfboard he had bought and he watched the sunrise. He had a smile on his face. He was oddly content despite the upcoming event. He grabbed hold of the board and prepared himself to roll over.</p><p>He hadn't heard paddling behind him as Hoppo made his way up.</p><p>"Jesse?" Hoppo called, trying to remain calm. "You getting an early morning wave before your shift?"</p><p>"Something like that," Jesse replied which scared Hoppo more.</p><p>"Mind if I join ya?" Hoppo asked.</p><p>"I wouldn't do that." Jesse let out a small chuckle.</p><p>"Why not?" Hoppo pushed.</p><p>"Because the wave I'm waiting for is gonna be a wipe-out." Jesse smiled thinly.</p><p>"We both know you're not here to catch a wave, Jesse," Hoppo said softly.</p><p>"Good for you. So why are you here exactly?" Jesse asked and Hoppo felt like he had been stabbed in the heart.</p><p>"Because I care about you, Jesse. I know you've kept a lot a secret from everyone but that doesn't stop me from caring about you. If you'd just let us in we can help you out of this period and you can keep thriving." Hoppo explained.</p><p>"'Keep thriving'? Hoppo, people have died because of me! My mum and dad died because I told them to drive to pick me up instead of me walking home. My sister died because I wasn't there to look after her! I didn't notice people in the water and they died!" Jesse started getting angry. "I don't deserve to thrive! I deserve to drown at the bottom of this ocean!"</p><p>"You don't deserve that, Jess," Hoppo said softly.</p><p>"What do I deserve then?" Jesse angrily yelled.</p><p>"A therapist? A group of lifeguards that see you as a brother? A chance to see that you are not responsible for those things?" Hoppo exclaimed back. "Jesse, we love you. Just let us help."</p><p>Jesse stared at the ocean and turned to look at Hoppo.</p><p>"C'mon, well go to the tower and we'll talk about this," Hoppo pleaded. "Look, we're all here for you."</p><p>Jesse nodded and they both paddled back to shore. Jesse carried his board onto the sand. Jesse clambered up the tower stairs and looked at all his fellow lifeguards before letting out tears and falling to the floor. Hoppo frowned at his employees and shook his head, tears welling in his eyes.</p><p>Maxi immediately fell and wrapped his friend, trying to give him the support he needed at that moment. Harrison joined in by stroking Jesse's back.</p><p>Kerrbox, Deano, and Hoppo just shared a look.</p><p>"I'm sorry!" Jesse exclaimed, never looking as vulnerable as he did at that moment.</p><p>"It's okay," Deano stated firmly. "You're here with us now and that's what matters."</p><p>"Talk to us, Jesse." Kerrbox almost begged. "Anything. Whatever's going on we can work through."</p><p>Jesse sat up and looked around at the men. "I was an orphan at sixteen. I had to look after my brother and sister which is why I joined the Bra Boys. My sister passed away last week. I've been trying to help my brother with the funeral and I'm the reason she's dead." Jesse sobbed.</p><p>"How did she die?" Harrison asked.</p><p>"She's been ill for a while and asked if I could come by to see her but I was busy so I didn't. I found out the next day that she died that night." Jesse cried. "If I had been there-"</p><p>"You couldn't have done anything, Jesse," Deano said firmly. "She was sick, you didn't kill her."</p><p>"I don't deserve to live anymore. I keep hurting people. I deserve to die!" Jesse yelled.</p><p>The lifeguards felt their hearts break.</p><p>"You need help," Maxi whispered, tears streaming from his eyes. "I don't like seeing you in so much pain. I love you, mate. You're my best friend. Think about your brother. What will he be like arranging two funerals? Let someone help you. A professional." </p><p>Jesse nodded. "For you guys."</p><p>Hoppo patted Jesse's back. "That's all we ask."</p><p>Jesse smiled weakly. "Thank you." </p><p>"That's okay." Hoppo smiled. "You can go home for the day but Maxi will go with you just in case."</p><p>Maxi helped Jesse up and grabbed his board.</p><p> </p><p>Hoppo watched Jesse a few weeks later and smiled. The lost look in his eyes was becoming less frequent and he started being more open with the others. Hoppo didn't expect Jesse to show up happy and all better the next day but any genuine smile that came on Jesse's face was enough for Hoppo. There were days when Jesse would call Hoppo or one of the other lifeguards crying his eyes out and it felt like a setback. He questioned everything and it broke their hearts because they didn't always have the answers but they talked him down and got him to a better mindset. One day, Jesse would wake up and not feel the weight of the world on his shoulders.</p>
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